i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
