I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
