Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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