you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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