I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
