he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
