i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
