i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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