and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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