I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
