On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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