don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Randomize
