the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
