my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
