I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
