I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I think I just shit out all my problems.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
