Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize