I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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