I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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