I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
