i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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