he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
