Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
