So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
