I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
