I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
