Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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