So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
