For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
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I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
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I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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