weddingsv make me drug and hornr
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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