Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
