New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
