My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
