is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
