a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
