I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
