Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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