I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize