woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
