so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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