I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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