Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
