Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
