I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
