At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
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mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
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Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
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