I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize