I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
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There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
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I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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