And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Randomize
