i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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