Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
