he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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