My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
