and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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