Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
