i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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