Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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